Things to Recognize and Understand
by GreenMeansGo
Summary: Five moments Remus shares with Sirius in the dark. [SBRL Slash. Rating:Strong T]


**Title:** Things to Recognize and Understand  
**Author:** GreenMeansGo  
**Warning:**** SLASH.** Yummy man on man lovin.  
**Rating:**** Strong T**. I didn't think it quite warranted an M, but just know there's a pretty heavy snogging session.  
**Summary:** Five moments Remus shares with Sirius in the dark.  
**A/N:** I was wondering if anyone was willing to beta for me. Probably wouldn't be too often, but I do need someone to look things over whenever there's time. So please leave a review or email me through my profile if you're interested. I'd really appreciate it.

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"_Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments." - Rose Kennedy_

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**I  
**

Remus won't let sleep take him. He hadn't slept much since Tuesday, and if he had a choice, he'd never sleep again.

He's afraid of what it'll make him do.

Sleep doesn't mean rest for Remus. It means skin tearing at its seams; fur the color of coal ripping through despite his screams to hold on, blood reeking of humanity as it poured from every cut, rising to the surface of every bruise. It was only a matter of time before he broke and bled out; and as far as Remus knew, time never yielded for anyone.

It was at least four in the morning, the blackest part of night before the dawn pried fingers loose. For the millionth time that night, Remus' eyes strayed towards the shadow that looked like a rabbit in mid-stride on the ceiling right above Sirius' bed. The wolf could destroy it in less than a heartbeat. He knew because his dreams told him so.

He stared directly left of the figure huddled under white sheets. The meager starlight ricocheted off the color and the reflection burned Remus' eyes. He blinked rapidly and blamed the wetness behind his eyelids on lack of sleep. The wolf could destroy Sirius in less than a heartbeat too. He didn't need his dreams to tell him that much.

He remembered waking that morning to see Sirius across the infirmary from him, white bandage wrapped around his middle matching the row of flashing teeth. "What happened?" Remus already knew the answer.

"Innocently wandered into the Forbidden Forest. Saw a rather large but gruffly handsome devil of a dog. Let's just say it got a bit frisky" Sirius paused in theatrics. "and a bit rough." The low timbre of Sirius' laugh was jagged on the edges, mischief fraying the ends. Madame Pomfrey huffed as she puttered past. It was Sirius' way of saying he was okay. Remus wouldn't have been convinced, even if Sirius hadn't let out a pained cough as he rode out the wave of laughter.

When Remus remained silent, Sirius sighed and looked him right in the eyes. It was amazing how obsidian eyes could burn so bright. "Don't tell me not to come back." It wasn't a command and it wasn't a plea but fell somewhere in between and all Remus could think of was how much those eyes burned, not with the fear he was almost hoping to see, but with something else entirely.

Remus followed the shadow of an owl flying across the wall as it passed outside and knew it was out for the hunt. His thoughts were scattered with the endless consciousness and knew he was only still trying to connect the dots because it was all that kept him going. He tried swallowing through the cotton in his mouth and blinked to make sure his eyes were still open.

He hadn't told Sirius to stay away during his transformations, even though he knew he should. It had always been so easy for Remus to let go of anything he wanted ever since he received his bite. His mother had once told him that sometimes the world required that he be a sitting duck. The water rolled off easily and the more water there was, the easier it got. Sirius did not understand. He jumped into the lake, laughing and splashing and wrapped each finger carefully around a feather and pulled, leaving him hurting, exposed, and scared. A part of him liked that Sirius wanted to see what was underneath. He liked that he knew what he was and instead of running the other way, decided to burrow deeper, even if it cost him something every time. Remus could not ask that of him, or James or even timid little Peter. But what really frightened Remus was that he knew he didn't have to ask anything at all.

A sigh pushed its way out from between his lips, possibly the first real sound he'd made in the last five hours.

"Get some bloody sleep, Remus." Sirius' voice was slurred and gravelly with fatigue and the potion Madame Pomfrey had insisted he drink. Remus could hear the rustle of sheets and saw the covers sparkle and wink as Sirius carefully flipped onto his stomach. "Christ."

Remus swore he could see Sirius' last word ripple in the air above where he guessed his head was. He saw it but couldn't recognize it. He probably should have told Sirius that sleeping on his cut up stomach was a bad idea but he didn't. Instead, he closed his eyes and pretended to sleep.

**II  
**

His head reeled from all the different sensations. Remus felt like he was breaking into tiny pieces and flying apart and grounded himself by biting into the place where Sirius' neck met his shoulder. He was rewarded with a groan as Sirius slid his knee between Remus' legs.

His shirt felt rough and scratchy against his heated skin and when cool fingers splayed across his stomach, Remus thought that Sirius might agree. Sirius' breath was hot against his neck and the corridor wall was solid and cool beneath his back. He shifted his hips almost innocently but definitely teasingly so that he brushed against Sirius' bulge and both boys gasped jagged.

This was entirely too risky Remus knew. The corridor they were currently, ah, occupying, while not exactly often traveled, was still well-known and it was only about eight in the evening. Someone could easily come along and finally figure out why Sirius never paid much attention to the countless girls who watched him with hopeful eyes. Quite frankly, he liked shagging Remus instead.

Remus raked his nails down Sirius' upper arm and he watched, mesmerized, as black eyes got impossibly blacker. Sirius grasped at Remus' hip, his hair wild, still slightly graceful, and altogether sexy. "Fuck" he panted, the word sliding between his lips, slow and thick like honey. Remus took a taste. It was better than he imagined.

Sirius ground into him, shifting his leg upwards and Remus saw white. He couldn't breathe even as he desperately pulled air into his lungs. He knew that if he opened his eyes, all he would be able to see was Sirius. He dropped his head onto one strong shoulder and dug his nails into the other. "Remus Remus Remus," Sirius murmured over and over, voice heavy and winded. It sounded like a prayer, a plea and it drove Remus half mad. "C'mon Remus." Remus licked Sirius' neck and he retaliated by nibbling on Remus' earlobe. Hot breath ghosted over his right ear, "I love you."

Remus felt the stitching of his soul tear with one swift tug, everything that made him hurtling outwards for Sirius to catch. It wasn't the first time Sirius had told him that he loved him but it still burned like hell.

Remus lifted his head let it thunk back onto the wall and vaguely wondered if they were fogging up the stain glass windows lined down the corridor. Sirius' eyes glittered in the dim light and Remus hitched his hips forwards and almost smiled when Sirius shuddered.

He'd never replied to Sirius' declarations. He knew Sirius did not expect anything even if he wanted to hear it, thinking he already knew the answer. Maybe he did even if Remus hadn't the slightest clue. Sirius didn't say it because it was romantic or even the right moment (so rarely did that ever matter when Sirius was involved). He said it because he felt it, honest and sure. That knowledge alone stifled the response Remus felt obligated to give. He could recognize trust but couldn't quite feel it; he could see love but, for the life of him couldn't understand it. He wondered once again how Sirius, without ever stopping to think about it, knew that much more.

Sirius looked down at him between his bangs and Remus draped his hand around his neck, thumb placed over the pulse point so he could feel the heart that beat underneath.

With one look, he could tell Sirius knew he wouldn't be getting a spoken response. Steady fingers ran through his hair, wrapping around his skull, pulling slightly, and Remus slammed his lips into Sirius' with a desperation that came from nowhere and everywhere, teeth clicking and noses bent unnaturally. It was a bruising kiss and Remus wanted to leave his mark, even if he couldn't give anything else.

**III  
**

The rumble of the train engine was constant and low and Remus remembered he used to hold his breath whenever they passed over this bridge. He slumped deeper into the corner between the seat and the window and didn't bother when the rhythm of the wheels changed slightly as it moved from solid earth to high above steel.

He started when a hand clasped his shoulder. "C'mon, snap out of it." He glared at Sirius' open face and tried to shake the hand off. He was probably bored in the silence of the compartment. James and Lily were attending to some last minute head duties while Peter was, surprisingly, with his girlfriend. "Remus, what is it?"

Remus ignored Sirius and continued to stare out the window, another stream, another tree, just the like the rest. He knew he was brooding but couldn't care enough to stop. The Hogwarts Express was traveling the wrong way, away from a castle promising home, flick and swish, and towards a land where the princess withered under fear and oppression, hoping for a knight to come save her. It was going in reverse, but he had to consent that his life was anything but a fairytale.

The familiar hand still gripped at his robes and Remus thought of how excited the rest of the marauders had been at the thought of finally leaving. Sure, there was nostalgia and sentiment but how could they miss a place when the future held so many secret passages and adventures of its own? This train ride promised the beginning of a spectacular future for Sirius, James, and Peter and it meant absolutely nothing for Remus. He looked up at the equally empty sky and stared at where the stars should have been.

He knew it must be funny to someone. Remus didn't even remember what normal felt like, how it was before his bite, and yet he longed for it in a way that he longed for nothing else sometimes. It was illogical. How could he miss something he had never really known? He knew that no one could really know normal, or enjoy it if they did, but he was desperate to have it nonetheless. It was always bitter or sour and never just right. But he wanted it regardless.

Sirius traveled his hand from Remus' shoulder into his hair and massaged lightly. "When's the last time you've slept, hmm?"

Remus wanted to grump and brood. It prepared him for the hurt. "I'm not a child, stop fussing."

Sirius laughed, an appreciative bark of amusement. He hated when Sirius didn't take the bait because it meant he understood. It was just another way Sirius left him bare. "Get some sleep, Moony." The massaging in his scalp eased him sideways without him really noticing and before Remus knew it, his head was pillowed by Sirius' thigh.

Skillful fingers didn't stop and Remus met familiar onyx eyes. Sirius winked, a promise of its own behind the affection that flickered. "I know brooding really pumps your nads and all but let it go, alright?" Remus huffed and looked away. The amusement etched into the lines of Sirius' face was annoying. He hated that Sirius had the ability to change his moods before he was ready. It felt like a weakness, like losing a fight. Even so, Remus could feel his body relaxing and his eyes growing heavy. "It'll be okay, Remus. We'll be alright."

Remus buried his nose into the crease of Sirius' trousers where it bunched at his hips. He wanted so badly for Sirius to be right. He knew without looking that Sirius could tell he didn't believe him. "I'll wake you when we get to King's Cross, alright?" Remus went to sleep without answering.

**IV  
**

"SURPRISE!"

Remus spilled half his cup of tea onto the front of his shirt as he tried not to have a heart attack. Sirius cackled with mirth as he took in Remus' startled face above the growing wet spot on his button down. "Well at least you're wearing white," Sirius said roguishly, leering playfully from where he stood, freshly apparated next to something truly hideous.

"For the love of Merlin. What on earth is that?"

Sirius beamed as the object finished unshrinking. "Our new couch! I saw it through a store window as I was walking around Diagon Alley. It's brilliant, innit? Can you believe it was half off? The owner must be looking to run his store into the ground!"

Remus thought that the owner must be if he was selling more furniture resembling…that. He wanted to tell Sirius that he truly, truly hated it but Sirius' smile was just a little too happy for Remus to want to end it. "It's very orange." And even as he said it, Remus could feel a smile creeping onto his face.

"Well, I remembered how much you liked the color orange and I dunno, it just seemed like a good choice, no?" Sirius pushed his hands into this trouser pockets and Remus couldn't help but think that the air around Sirius sparkled, just a little. Perhaps Remus had judged to soon. Sure, the light blue walls clashed horribly and the orange was a little too bright to be quite the color that Remus enjoyed but now that he looked carefully, he could see that yes, the couch was a bit brilliant.

A car honked outside in the evening rush hour and he could hear the murmur of the neighbor's voices through the west wall of their flat. Remus felt a laugh bubbling just below his ribcage and let it spill out of his mouth. "We are the most obvious shirt lifters in all of England." And soon Sirius was laughing along, eyes sparkling with a job well done as he made his way towards the kitchen door where Remus stood.

"Yes well…" Sirius eyed Remus' wet front. Remus smiled wider and leaned up to brush his lips against Sirius'. "I love it." And Remus hoped Sirius knew he didn't just mean the couch.

**V  
**

The sun was just beginning to set and Remus pressed in closer to Sirius. The shadows began in the corners, stretching towards where they were with every minute that passed.

"It's just fucked, you know?"

Remus nodded in agreement against Sirius' chest. The glimmering green skull from the night before was imprinted into the back of Remus' eyelids, cold and familiar. The first attack after a two week lull was a particularly horrific one.

Truly living was a risk nowadays but Remus had never wanted life as badly as he did now that it wasn't guaranteed. He was desperate for it, clung to it with every ounce of who he was, and he kissed Sirius' chest to remind himself that he still had it.

"Some of those people…they haven't got anything left." Sirius' voice was hard and gruff, a quality it had gained within the last year. Remus wanted to take his fingers and smooth that voice back to way it used to be, light and laughing, but tangled them into dark hair instead. "That one girl…her brother died saving her. I don't know what I'd do if that happened to me; if I was the last one standing after losing the ones I care about."

Remus pushed up and rested on an elbow, looming over Sirius. It sounded like their neighbors were having a small party next door. The dull bass of some rock band was thumping through the wall and Remus felt himself open a little. "Well, sometimes there are things worth dying for."

Sirius was startled by his unexpected response, Remus could tell. He could also tell that Sirius knew what it meant.

"I love you." Sirius still said those words in the same matter of fact tone he always had, honest and sure. Constant in a world that no longer promised such things. Remus smiled, making sure Sirius saw it and watched his own fingers spread apart when he placed his palm against Sirius' chest. His heart beat steady and strong. Remus exhaled, "You and me, right?"

The orange couch seemed to glow in the dark as the sun finally finished its descent. When Remus looked back at Sirius' face, dark eyes were too bright in the darkness. They burned with things that Remus both understood and felt, raising the hair on his arms with the knowledge. Sirius blinked quickly in succession and when Remus kissed his fingers, he smiled for the first time in two days.

"Yeah, you and me."


End file.
